Part 4: Fully Awake, Fully Alive
I debated whether or not I would share my story of the last year. 2018 has been the most transformational year of my life. It has cracked me open in ways I never imagined and has exposed a new layer of fresh skin in which I’ve never lived in before.
Not drinking has been a catalyst for me to see so much of who I am and what is possible. It has given me the courage to not only ask for what I want but to know I am worthy of it. And then it gave me the open heartedness to receive it all.
This story isn’t about alcohol or drinking. I knew that I didn’t want to share the details of the many years I spent drinking and partying. A lot of those stories are held as fond memories, some close to regret and others not fair to share. Plus, that’s not why I felt compelled to write.
What led me to share this story was the deep desire to reclaim my story.
What inspired me to write is my personal commitment to elevate my vulnerability and to share the revelations I have extracted from this season of my life. What I have come to believe is that my gift lies in being able to share these truths and infuse it into my work and into the spaces I create.
But most importantly- I did this for me.
For that little girl who didn’t feel like she belonged.
For that teenager who didn’t know who she was.
For that college girl who was too didn’t feel loveable.
For that 20 something woman who was on the edge of becoming and finally said yes to herself.
I didn’t collapse into this path, I leaned into it. I got honest with myself. I got real with my fear.
“There is no place so awake and alive as the edge of becoming.”-Sue Monk Kidd
Courage can’t be taught, it must be experienced. Sobriety has been the most radical act of self love. I have been doing this personal growth work for many years but nothing has compared to this past year. I realized during those years I only scratched the surface. This awareness started to stir within me and this year I went to the next level. Because I’ve always known that if I truly want to be of service in this work, I need to do the work myself.
If I didn’t quit drinking, I would have stayed stuck and not realized it. I would have continued to not see how the things that manifested as doubt, uncertainty or other fears are rooted in that not enoughness, that thorn in my side. I would have continued to keep that thorn intact, not removing it and not breaking free.
This past year has helped me surrender to the unknown. It has shown me that what I resist, persists. It has allowed space for me to explore what is truly possible if I lay down my fears and walk forward with faith. I can’t say for certain that all the joy that I have experienced this past year is because of being sober, but I do know for sure that if I continued to drink and stay in the space of not enoughness, I wouldn’t have been able to fully embrace what has been presented to me.
For me, sobriety is my flashlight to help me see all of the corners that fear hides within me. It gives me the grace to activate my courage to explore those corners and reveal the truth behind them. The truth that I continue to reveal is that I am loved, I am worthy and I am enough. I don’t just know that, I full heartedly believe that with all my being. What I also know is that if I want to continue to stay in this knowing, continue to stay awake and feel fully alive, I need to show up and lean into this work every day. I need to stay sober and continue to reveal what parts of me still lay dormant or hidden in order to live the hell out of this life I’ve been given.
Every day I reveal more about how I can show up whole heartedly. I have felt old stories and fears but nothing has derailed my unwavering belief that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I can be fully myself and fully loved and I don’t have to fear that I’m being too much, too me or not enough.
I’ve received some beautiful, unexpected gifts this year that have allowed me to really embrace myself and my life. I wasn’t broken. I didn’t need to be fixed. I just needed to be reminded of my natural state.
This last year, I have shown up and chosen myself day after day. I feel like I finally woke up. This journey is still young and riddled with immense growth, deep healing and heart expanding courage-a journey with so much more terrain ahead of me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way
Every day I choose to celebrate this gloriously messy life feeling freer and ME’er than ever
In my 34 years, this last year of sobriety have shown me more about love, courage and my personal power. It has deepened my soul connection and has reaffirmed why and how I need to show up in this world. My skin is fresh from the layers I’m peeling back each day. Revealing a skin I’m both comfortable in and love more than ever. This soul work is always going to uncover more parts of us that need to be reclaimed, more ways we can show up fully ourselves.
I have so much more road ahead of me to discover. Don’t we all? But today I’m pausing in my tracks, looking back and saying THANK YOU to this path, to my guides, to ME. I’m celebrating this gift we have as humans to evolve and begin again. I’m reclaiming who I am each day, by showing up in all my glory and living that truth out loud. What an adventure life is once you say hell yes to living it fully alive.
We all have our own thorn. And we all hold the power to remove it. As humans, we all hold an addiction to something. Rather than fall into shame, we all need to lean into compassion.
Being curious about sobriety, quitting or even just looking at your relationship with alcohol or other substances (drugs, food, money, etc.) is a brave, radical act of self love. This path is solely mine and what I needed to do in order to live the life I was meant to live.
I’ve heard from many of you about who has inspired me along my journey and what I have done to support my sobriety.
Melodie Beattie (all books)